Let’s talk about the Google My Business “Top 3” promise.
You know the one.
“We’ll GUARANTEE you a top 3 spot on Google Maps!”
Oh wow! A guarantee? On an algorithm you don’t control? Powered by a company that updates things like a toddler with a fidget spinner?
Yeah. That’s totally legit. 😒
The Scam That Wears a Suit
Here’s how this horror movie plays out:
- Shady “marketing expert” says they’ll get you into the GMB top 3.
- They spin up fake business listings using P.O. boxes, random houses, or your ex’s address.
- They name it something genius like “Plumber Near Me Dayton” (subtle).
- They stuff it with fake reviews from people who probably also leave Yelp reviews for Taco Bell.
- You “rent” the listing and think you’re a genius.
Until… Google rolls in like Liam Neeson with a very particular set of skills and nukes the whole thing.
Listing gone. Leads gone. Dignity? That left somewhere between step 2 and 3.
But Wait, It Gets Worse…
You never owned that listing. You can’t prove those reviews were real. And while you were busy high-fiving yourself, your actual business presence on Google went stale like that bag of chips you told yourself you’d finish “tomorrow.”
You didn’t build equity. You built a house on sand. With monopoly money. During a hurricane.
Nice job.
Why It’s Especially Screwing Over In-Home Service Pros
Because you’re busy. You’re out fixing stuff, not playing detective on digital marketing scams.
And these clowns prey on that. They’re selling shortcuts like it’s a gas station counter — all flash, no function.
Then one day your phone stops ringing and your SEO guy’s last known address is “vanished into the night.”
Here’s the Truth (Warning: It’s Boring and It Works)
The way to actually win on Google:
- Use your real business name (not “Roofer Supreme 24/7 Free Estimates #1 in Tulsa”)
- Set up your real location/service area
- Get actual customers to leave actual reviews (with punctuation!)
- Post regularly — like a normal business, not like a cryptid
- Focus on real backlinks, local SEO, and (ugh, fine) even run some ads
It’s slow. It’s steady. It’s not sexy. But it’ll still be there tomorrow. And next month. And when that GMB scammer’s burner phone is disconnected.
Final Thought
If someone tells you they can guarantee a Top 3 spot on Google… Ask them if they can also guarantee your ex won’t text you back after three margaritas.
Both are lies. Both are chaos. And neither end well.
